Ways to Get Rid of Kavanaugh!
by Whirlwind421
Summary: Shoot him...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Atlantis. But alas I don't!

A/N: Here's my attempt at humor! Please tell me if you like it!

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Ways to Get Rid of Kavanaugh!  
(Insert evil laughter here.)

1. Shoot him

2. Blow him up.

3. Push him into incoming wormhole. (Simple and effective!)

4. Push him out the airlock.

5. Give him to Ronon. (I almost feel sorry for him.)

6. Give him to John.

7. Give him to Rodney.

8. Give him to Elizabeth.

9. Give him to Zelenka...(I think you get the point.)

10. Bait.

11. Give him to Steve, Bob, Michael, or any other wraith.

12. Feed him to the local whale population.

13. Leave him on the mainland. (The Athosians will get tired of him real quick.)

14. Abandon him on the nearest planet.

15. Claim there's a snake in his head.

16. Leave him on the Children's Planet.

17. Deprive him of coffee. (A sure way to kill any scientist.)

18. Give him as a gift to the nearest bunch of wraith worshippers.

19. Befriend him. (And watch as he screams like a girl and throws himself into the next incoming wormhole. Warning: Those not strong and brave of heart should not attempt this.)

20. Throw him off a balcony.

21. Put something in his coffee. (Make sure Rodney doesn't drink it.)

22. Cut his hair.

23. Stare at him and when he asks what you're doing. Say you have a fetish for men with long hair. (Risk to sanity.)

24. Give him a one-way ticket to the nearest black hole.

25. Give the iratus bugs a Christmas present.

26. Kiss him (Warning: Risk to your sanity. Scarred for life. Stay away for wormholes.)

27. Land a jumper on him. (He'll never know what hit him!)

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Please review! Funny...not funny...good...bad?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclamer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis.

A/N: Here's my second attempt at humor. Tell me if it is as good as the first chapter...or good at all. It's amazing I wrote a second chapter!!

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Ways To Get Rid of Kavanaugh: Part 2

1. Peace offering to Koyla!!

2. Steal his shampoo, conditioner, comb, or hair ties.

3. Borrow Carson's long sharp pointy needle.

4. Make him Ronon's permanent training partner.

5. Ask him to please push the big red button.

6. Get him to piss off the resident Asgard.

7. Send him to a parallel universe.

8. Threaten to put Mckay inside his head. (Imagine. The horror!!)

9. Blow up the solar system he's in.

10. Blow something up and blame it on him (Danger! Risk to your physical well being if caught!)

11. Lock him in a closet.

12. Stalk him.

13. Get his quarters to attack him.(Faulty door, shower, toilet...)

14. Introduce him to an electrical shock. (Evil grin!)

15. His new best friend: A blast for Ronon's gun.

16. Steal a zat from the Milky Way.

17. One way trip to: Outer space, Back in time, The Ocean.

18. Give him to the Asurians.

19. Tell Carson Kavanaugh insulted his mother.

20. Tell John Kavanaugh insulted his hair.

21. Let him meet on of the many bug species in the Pegasus Galaxy.

22. Cry Wraith (Who will be the quickest to leave the city into (insert evil cackle)!)

23. Give him to Michael's bugs.

24. Meet one very angry McKay. (Anyone and everyone is history!!)

25. Give him the nanite infection.

26. Give him the blowing-up tumor gas.

27. Anything in the weapon's locker will do just fine!

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Please review!!! 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Atlantis.

A/N: I wrote another chapter!! It's amazing!! And I'm almost done another chapter. If anybody has any suggestions...Please tell me I'm running out of ideas!!!

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Ways to Get Rid of Kavanaugh: Part 3

1. I wonder how many knives are in Atlantis's kitchen?

2. Lock him in a freezer.

3. Tell the chiefs Kavanaugh hates their cooking.

4. Tell Mckay Kavanaugh stole his notes.

5. Tell McKay Kavanaugh ate the last power bar.

6. Tell John he ate the last turkey sandwich.

7. Light his hair on fire.

8. Brainwash him to steal the ZPM.

9. Leave him in Laura Cadman's very experienced hands.

10. Accidentally beam him into a wall.

11. An "alien" fell in love with him and kidnapped him.

12. He meets Lucius and becomes his 7th wife. (Guess he shouldn't have grown his hair so long.)

13. He vacations on the Alpha Site Atlantis was going to use during the Siege.

14. Stuck in a sinking jumper.

15. Tell Caldwell Kavanaugh insulted his hair.

16. Tell Stargate Command Kavanaugh in studying Atlantis's moon. (There is no moon!!)

17. Send him to MX3 N34. (The plants are alive!!)

18. His toaster "malfunctions". (Check out his hair after!)

19. Abandon him on the drilling station.

20. Send him to the fog world.

21. Send him to the world where the black cloud went with a really big generator.

22. Accidentally shot him during a Wraith attack off world.

23. Haunt his dreams.

24. One way ticket into a sun.

25. Stuck in a jumper with a really big bomb that's counting down.

27. Bother him to death.

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Please review!! Good as the last chapters? 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: As far as I know I don't own Atlantis.

A/N: Look, I posted another chapter! I hope you like it!

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Ways to Get Rid of Kavanaugh: Part 4

1. Tell him your his beloved and then give him poisonous flowers.

2. Steal his glasses.

3. Creep him out! (Use the Atlantis loud speaker and keep calling his name, keep calling him over his com, stand outside his door...)

4. Tell Rodney Kavanaugh is hording the rest of the coffee.

5. Tell Elizabeth Kavanaugh is hording the rest of the coffee.

5. Jump him. (Warning! Danger! Sanity past questionable. Intense psychiatric therapy will ensue.)

6. Wash his mouth out with soap. (Maybe it will wash his brain out too. It will save you the trouble of getting rid of him.)

7. Dye his clothes pink.

8. Tell Ronon Kavanaugh stole his gun.

9. Tell Elizabeth Kavanaugh thinks her diplomacy sucks. (Maybe she'll show him how diplomatic she can be.)

10. Dye Ronon's clothes pink. Say Kavanaugh did it.

11. His toilet exploded.

12. Tell John Kavanaugh insulted Elizabeth.

13. Tell Teyla he thinks she is weak and horrible at stick fighting.

14. Alien dust suffocated him.

15. A tree fell on him.

16. Put pink dye in his shampoo.

17. Steal Ronon's sword.

18. Tell Ronon that Kavanaugh likes Teyla.

19. Tell Rodney Kavanaugh thinks he's smarter than McKay.

20. Assign him to sewage clean up.

21. Shove a olive down his throat.

22. Give him a baby. (It will drive him insane! Warning: Actions may put baby in danger. Proceed with caution.)

23. Scare him to death. (Not only old people have heart attacks!)

24. Tell him he's a Wraith and locking him away is really for his own good.

25. Tell Elizabeth Kavanaugh stole her favorite red shirt.

26. Steal a canon from the criminals living in the penal colony near the gate.

27. Borrow a Wraith dart and sweep him off his feet.

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I'm really running out of ideas. If you have any please tell! I've got a few for another chapter. But I don't think their as good as the first couple chapters?


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Hmmmmm...Let me think. Nope.

A/N: Wow, I wrote another chapter. I didn't think I would. How many years has it been? Suggestions one through seven is for my lovely reviewers from like forever ago. You know who you are (I hope), if you are reading this.

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Ways to Get Rid of Kavanaugh: Part 5

1. Bring his mother to Atlantis.

2. Start acting like a mother hen. (Mental sanity alert.)

3. Start a petition.

4. Get him to remind John of 'that' lovely bug incident.

5. Steal John's hair gel. Points at Kavanaugh.

6. Paint the Daedalus pink, then tell Caldwell Kavanaugh did it.

7. Constantly tell him that his opinions and ideas are inferior to McKay's. Then, shower McKay with affection so he gets even more jealous.

8. Trips down a flight of stairs. (No one noticed the banana peal hiding in a nearby corner.)

9. Push him into an oncoming wormhole.

10. Drop him down a mine shaft, well, etc. (Many long bottomless pits available on many worlds.)

11. Introduce him to Asgard of the Pegasus Galaxy.

12. Sell him into slavery.

13. Todd's feeling hungry.

14. Meets the deadly power of the spork. (No weapon is deadlier in the hands of a chef.)

15. Tell Ronon Kavanaugh was questioning his manhood.

16. Drop a building on him.

17. An unfortunate encounter with a toy car. (It was an accident really.)

18. Tell Ronon or Rodney Kavanaugh looked at Jennifer.

19. Direct him toward a pregnant Teyla.

20. Induce a coma.

21. Shrink him. (Squish...)

22. Go back and time and kill his grandfather.

23. Rodney needs a test subject for his new invention: Atlantian Light Sabers.

24. Two words: Mad Ronon

25. Implant a new personality. (Let's name him Fred.)

26. Scare him to death. (Now possible with identity within crystal. Buy now at your local dark and gloomy planet.)

27. It's a bird. It's a plane. No wait. It's Kavanaugh.

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A/N: Well, am I still funny?


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